Lately, I've been having a lot of morbid thoughts. I know that Duchess' death has made me re-evaluate my mortality and look at what I'd like to leave behind when I'm gone. I've really wondered, "Crap. What if this is all there is? Wouldn't that be awful? Surely there must be more to life than this miserable existence." I get depressed just thinking that.
I was generally a passive creature; passive by nature and passive by "molding". If I tried to do something and it didn't work out, I accepted it as that was what God wanted; that that was the way things were meant to be. Yet, somewhere, inside there was a spark that wanted freedom - but I was too scared to "steal the fire from the gods" and face the consequences of my actions. Occasionally, if I wanted something badly enough I would fight back against the forces of the universe. I do have a stubborn streak.
I don't know why, but on Monday I found myself humming a song I don't think I've (consciously) heard in months. When I got home, I "you-tubed" it ("is you-tubed" a word?)to watch the video. And it amazed me. I'd been aware of the band's existence since about 1987, but didn't pay that much attention to them. What few songs I'd heard of theirs I liked. You can see the video: here.
And here are the lyrics:
This ain't a song for the brokenhearted
No silent prayer for faith departed.
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd.
You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud.
It's my life. It's now or never.
I ain't gonna live forever.
I just wanna live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway.
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
'Cause it's my life.
This is for the ones who stood their ground.
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down.
Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake.
Luck ain't even lucky, gotta make your own breaks.
It's my life. And it's now or never.
I ain't gonna live forever.
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
'Cause it's my life.
You better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break. Baby, don't back down
It's my life. It's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever.
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
(It's my life)
And it's now or never.
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."
I just wanna live while I'm alive.
'Cause it's my life!
Okay, okay. If you haven't figured it out by watching the video, it's Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." (And how did I miss Jon Bon Jovi being such a hottie all these years?) What a passionate call to life, to freedom. It's an anthem. It's a challenge to take accountability for one's actions and to take charge of one's life. The symbolism of having to go underground to sing to young people about freedom wasn't lost on me.
It's a song about desperately wanting to do something with your life and being true to who you are. It's about looking at your life honestly and a call to take steps - even leaps if necessary - to live life to the fullest.
Notice in the video, there's a clock running; time is running out. The young guy has only five minutes to make it to the tunnel. We don't know why it's important to him that he make the concert. We only know it is. The first time I saw it, I was on pins and needles: will he make it, or will he miss it? will this have a tragic ending? (I actually thought the semi might get him).
I've heard the call. Changes are coming. Slowly but surely, I'm learning to take some responsibility for my life, instead of being blown by the wind. This is my new theme song (yes, theme songs like on Ally McBeal. Speaking of Ally, wasn't Jon Bon Jovi on a few episodes?)
I look to the future with some hope. I pray there's still time left that I will leave behind something I will be respected for, so my life will not have been a complete and utter waste. I think I understand the pyramids now; why someone would want to leave a monument. It's so they won't be forgotten. I can almost hear the voices of the dead pharoahs mockingly say, "Who will remember you? I reach for the skies. They know my name. I am immortal".
What my "monument" might be, I don't know. I have some ideas of things I'd like to be remembered for. I've always wanted to be a writer. However, would I want to be a Stephenie Meyer, or a Margaret Mitchell? Let's face it, Twilight is NOT great literature (decent potential, poor execution). Margaret Mitchell's - though she only wrote one - is a classic and one that will never go out of print. It's still popular today, 70 years later. No one (hopefully) will still be reading Twilight in 70 years. Mitchell's one book? None other than my favourite novel, "Gone With The Wind." I'd like to think I could leave something that wonderful behind, but I'm not sure I could live up to the standard she set.
Join me in taking up the challenge to do something meaningful with your life - and I don't mean just going to work for the sake of making a living. Life is a gift - and we never know when it will snatched away from us. Life is eerily fragile. From now on, I'm going to try and take some "baby steps" to actually do some of the things that up to this point in my life I've only dreamed of doing.
Carpe Diem - Seize the Day.
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